Yes, I am a Possessive Father
On April 18th 2019 a wonderful thing happened in our life, my wife brought our son Advaith Kaza into this world. A world filled with so many things including confused, hypocritic and know it all over-confident people.
With his arrival, my son has woken up my hatred towards cultural stupidities and made me over-protective of him. I am still trying to survive through this fight against everyone around me and this post is an attempt to explain it to myself, to my wife and to the world.
I should take a moment to thank my dear wife, Arya Parvathi Pallempati for suffering me through my struggle which I know is not easy for any spouse. I love you baby and it is my love for you that is curbing my otherwise probably violent reactions to these seemingly well-intentioned but actually harming behaviours of people around our child.
I hope that at some point I can share this with my son and have him understand the evils of ideas which seemingly don't hurt anyone.
Why I must protect him from bad ideas:
For the first few years, a human child is hopelessly dependent on elders around him because evolutionarily it is safer for a child to blindly believe an adult when they advice him not to go near the edge of a cliff or close to wild animals. So it is important to carefully weigh what we teach a child before he develops an ability to assess merits of an advice to filter out bad advice. This makes me very choosy about what ideas I want to expose my child to. Below are some of the bothering ideas for me.
Entitlements at birth:
If we put an idea of entitlement in a child's mind saying by birth he is better than others then he is going to expect things to happen to him without any hard work and much worse behavior is to treat others as if they are lesser than him.
Three ways people do this very lovingly is by mentioning that baby is of a higher caste, gender or was born with a better horoscope.
The idea of caste is so evil and tribal, I have written a bigger piece on it in the past but my feeling is it is very difficult to get rid of these rotten thoughts once they are planted in human brains because we are very tribal in nature and we like to think we are superior in someway to other people.
I learned the evils of this thinking first hand when I was maybe 19 years old when I uttered a caste based insult in front of a friend of mine who was of the caste that I was insulting. I immediately realized but I was so ashamed that I could not look into my his eyes for a few days. It came out of me very casually because I heard it being said by my elders in family and I picked it up without realizing the ugliness of it. I must protect my child from this ugliness.
Male chauvinism is rampant in our society, If proper guidance is not given, I am afraid I will find my son behaving as if he is more privileged than women and that will be a complete failure of me as his father and of my wife as his mother.
In today's world, after having photographed until the edge of solar system, believing that some planetary or natural satellite movement has an impact on a human's current and future being is like believing that based on a sound made by a donkey in a nearby city we can predict the impact of that vibration on our lives. Yes, the butterfly effect and chaos theory is believable, but to think that one can predict the impacts precisely in this world of randomness is absolutely ridiculous and presumptuous. There are much better thinkers than me who have researched and written their views on how stupid it is to believe in horoscopes or zodiac signs.
Obsession with skin color:
Our society has a very unhealthy obsession with lighter skin color. Not just us, even Europeans before the industrial revolution revered lighter-skinned individuals because in those times the hard working-class people used to work outside in the sun and hence developed a tan complexion. So having lighter skin indicated that the person is privileged because he/she can afford to stay indoors. But in recent times since everyone is working indoors and a lucky few who have the luxury of touring the world and relaxing at beaches are developing a tan complexion so now, having a tan is considered as the privileged and so there are tanning salons which will give the light-skinned people a much-admired tan (this is researched and document in Elephants in the mind book)
I suspect that Indian obsession with lighter skin also has similar roots. Even well meaning adults will say something like "oh my dear child you are getting dark skinned, don't play outside too much" which sounds as loving and caring gesture at the surface but it has an effect on a child and he will grow up thinking dark skinned people are somehow not as good or well groomed as light skinned people. I have seen very educated people talk about grooming and skin tone as if grooming has everything to do with skin tone, grooming may be has a small impact but genetics and pigmentation one is born with do play a major role.
One horrible effect that I have seen of this seemingly innocent vice is a mother deciding to use coconut fiber to scratch off the dark skin tone on her baby. It will be a tragedy to let my child subscribe to this silly thinking.
Convenient beliefs which taken to their logical conclusion are harmful:
There are some superstitions which we believe and follow because they are convenient and not too expensive to follow. Like rotate a broom or salt around a child to remove any sickness caused by "bad eyes". My issue with this is that we are categorizing some people's eyes as evil and planting in the child's mind that those people are not good. If we truly believe in this BS then why do we invite those people with evil eyes and cause the damage to the child in first place? If we go to the logical end of this stupid belief then we must also believe in the possibility of someone casting bad spells using black magic (chethabadi) and if we truly believe that crap then we should be going after and hurting the spell casters right?
Just couple of weeks back I was reading about an incident just outside of Hyderabad where a family of a village suspected someone cast a black magic spell on their relative who died of some disease and actually burned that suspect in fire of deceased. These people were so cruel that the victim actually escaped the fire once and started running and they caught him, beat him up and put him back in fire.
Can this behavior happen in my social circle? I seriously doubt it but if we are believing in evil eyes causing damage to us just by looking at us then we must believe in this nonsense as well but we don't because we are all reasonably sensible but, we do the broom or salt ceremony because it is convenient and we are ok to do so many other things without conviction so why not this one additional thing too another reason also for this behavior is because we must be seen as others as trying everything at our disposal to protect our loved ones.
Another such example I can give is there are people who truly believe and go walk on burning coal believing it will cure their loved ones of some disease or for some other benefit, I do not think anyone in my social circle will be that stupid but most of them will be ok to fast on certain days, go around a structure 108 times or some other silly penance which is convenient to prove to themselves and to others around them that they are serious and committed individuals when it comes to religion and because they did it some benefit will be showered on them by the supreme leader.
This argument of doing silly ceremonial things to show commitment to others is not my own idea, it is proposed by authors of Phantoms in the brain book, in the same book and also by the famous atheist Christopher Hitchens, religion is often compared to North Korean regime and their devotion to their supreme leader.
I do not need to prove to anyone about my commitment and be part of a pack by doing silly ceremonies which are a pure waste of time and energy. If anyone argues that fasting on certain days and walking around a structure 108 times is done for health reasons then I would suggest to check out some of the popular diets, exercise regimens or even yoga which are way more scientific and proven to work much more effectively with a slesser investment of time.
So as long as these are done to the convenience limits how are they harming my son? I want to raise my son as a person who won't do anything without conviction and in order to do that I must first make sure I don't do anything without conviction and for that reason, I will oppose as much as I can whenever silly goat herd conformity ceremonies are performed on or around him.
Parrot repetitions of beautiful poetry:
As a student of DAV (Dayanand Anglo Vedic) school, I was made to recite the Gayatri Mantra and some other mantras every morning for 5 years in addition to the mandatory "All Indians are my brothers and sisters ...." pledge. By the time I came out of schooling, I was fully convinced reciting these mantras does not give any special powers to us that people who do not recite them will lack. But one good thing with the DAV education is that I understood the poetic side of Gayatri Mantra, I used to enjoy the poetic side of it and whenever I encounter any new mantra or ceremony I first go after the meaning of it and try to enjoy the literary value of the composition which usually is many centuries old.
What people do not appreciate as much is Gayatri Mantra is written in Rig Veda which was believed to have been written between 1700 and 1100 BCE, we must appreciate the literary advancement at that time to compose such a complex yet beautiful work of art.
Another popular example that I keep quoting to my mother and anyone who would listen is the Hanuman Chalisa, authored by Tulasi Das in the 16th century is such beautiful poetry that I wish everyone investing the time to read it must try and enjoy it. But no, everyone is happy mugging it up word to word without understanding any of the words and repeating it like parrots do and believing that chanting it 108 times will give strength. I can imagine Tulasi Das' palm hitting his forehead at this stupidity and ignorance.
I would like to take my favorite stanza in Hanuman Chalisa and explain about 3 kinds of people and their interpretations of it.
"......
Yug Saharsa Yojana Par Bhanu
Leelya thahi madhura phal jaanu
........"
Type1: Actual meaning, my interpretation, and enjoyment of it:
Yug means 12000 years as per a measuring system proposed by Aryabhatta, in this context it is being used just as a number by Tulasi Das
Sahasra means 1000
Yojana is a length measurement which is approximated between 4 to 9miles
Assume Yojana is 8 miles, and calculating the distance "Yug Sahasra Yojana", we get 12000x1000x8 = 96 million miles
"Yug Sahasra Yojana Par Bhanu" means: the Sun who is at a distance of 96MM miles
"Leelyo thahi madhura phal jaanu" means: took it thinking it is a tasty fruit
So Tulasi Das here is exaggerating Hanuman's strength and ability to jump by saying he once jumped 96MM miles to the Sun and took it thinking it is a fruit
What is the actual distance of the Sun from earth? 92.96MM miles so, Tulasi Das got the distance to Sun at 95% accuracy in his poem which tells us how much knowledge was available in 16th century India? I am blown away by this
And coming to exaggeration part, it is a very common thing in poetry, it is called hyperbole, consider below William Wordsworth's gem
"
......
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in a never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand I saw at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
...........
"
With his arrival, my son has woken up my hatred towards cultural stupidities and made me over-protective of him. I am still trying to survive through this fight against everyone around me and this post is an attempt to explain it to myself, to my wife and to the world.
I should take a moment to thank my dear wife, Arya Parvathi Pallempati for suffering me through my struggle which I know is not easy for any spouse. I love you baby and it is my love for you that is curbing my otherwise probably violent reactions to these seemingly well-intentioned but actually harming behaviours of people around our child.
I hope that at some point I can share this with my son and have him understand the evils of ideas which seemingly don't hurt anyone.
Why I must protect him from bad ideas:
For the first few years, a human child is hopelessly dependent on elders around him because evolutionarily it is safer for a child to blindly believe an adult when they advice him not to go near the edge of a cliff or close to wild animals. So it is important to carefully weigh what we teach a child before he develops an ability to assess merits of an advice to filter out bad advice. This makes me very choosy about what ideas I want to expose my child to. Below are some of the bothering ideas for me.
Entitlements at birth:
If we put an idea of entitlement in a child's mind saying by birth he is better than others then he is going to expect things to happen to him without any hard work and much worse behavior is to treat others as if they are lesser than him.
Three ways people do this very lovingly is by mentioning that baby is of a higher caste, gender or was born with a better horoscope.
The idea of caste is so evil and tribal, I have written a bigger piece on it in the past but my feeling is it is very difficult to get rid of these rotten thoughts once they are planted in human brains because we are very tribal in nature and we like to think we are superior in someway to other people.
I learned the evils of this thinking first hand when I was maybe 19 years old when I uttered a caste based insult in front of a friend of mine who was of the caste that I was insulting. I immediately realized but I was so ashamed that I could not look into my his eyes for a few days. It came out of me very casually because I heard it being said by my elders in family and I picked it up without realizing the ugliness of it. I must protect my child from this ugliness.
Male chauvinism is rampant in our society, If proper guidance is not given, I am afraid I will find my son behaving as if he is more privileged than women and that will be a complete failure of me as his father and of my wife as his mother.
In today's world, after having photographed until the edge of solar system, believing that some planetary or natural satellite movement has an impact on a human's current and future being is like believing that based on a sound made by a donkey in a nearby city we can predict the impact of that vibration on our lives. Yes, the butterfly effect and chaos theory is believable, but to think that one can predict the impacts precisely in this world of randomness is absolutely ridiculous and presumptuous. There are much better thinkers than me who have researched and written their views on how stupid it is to believe in horoscopes or zodiac signs.
Obsession with skin color:
Our society has a very unhealthy obsession with lighter skin color. Not just us, even Europeans before the industrial revolution revered lighter-skinned individuals because in those times the hard working-class people used to work outside in the sun and hence developed a tan complexion. So having lighter skin indicated that the person is privileged because he/she can afford to stay indoors. But in recent times since everyone is working indoors and a lucky few who have the luxury of touring the world and relaxing at beaches are developing a tan complexion so now, having a tan is considered as the privileged and so there are tanning salons which will give the light-skinned people a much-admired tan (this is researched and document in Elephants in the mind book)
I suspect that Indian obsession with lighter skin also has similar roots. Even well meaning adults will say something like "oh my dear child you are getting dark skinned, don't play outside too much" which sounds as loving and caring gesture at the surface but it has an effect on a child and he will grow up thinking dark skinned people are somehow not as good or well groomed as light skinned people. I have seen very educated people talk about grooming and skin tone as if grooming has everything to do with skin tone, grooming may be has a small impact but genetics and pigmentation one is born with do play a major role.
One horrible effect that I have seen of this seemingly innocent vice is a mother deciding to use coconut fiber to scratch off the dark skin tone on her baby. It will be a tragedy to let my child subscribe to this silly thinking.
Convenient beliefs which taken to their logical conclusion are harmful:
There are some superstitions which we believe and follow because they are convenient and not too expensive to follow. Like rotate a broom or salt around a child to remove any sickness caused by "bad eyes". My issue with this is that we are categorizing some people's eyes as evil and planting in the child's mind that those people are not good. If we truly believe in this BS then why do we invite those people with evil eyes and cause the damage to the child in first place? If we go to the logical end of this stupid belief then we must also believe in the possibility of someone casting bad spells using black magic (chethabadi) and if we truly believe that crap then we should be going after and hurting the spell casters right?
Just couple of weeks back I was reading about an incident just outside of Hyderabad where a family of a village suspected someone cast a black magic spell on their relative who died of some disease and actually burned that suspect in fire of deceased. These people were so cruel that the victim actually escaped the fire once and started running and they caught him, beat him up and put him back in fire.
Can this behavior happen in my social circle? I seriously doubt it but if we are believing in evil eyes causing damage to us just by looking at us then we must believe in this nonsense as well but we don't because we are all reasonably sensible but, we do the broom or salt ceremony because it is convenient and we are ok to do so many other things without conviction so why not this one additional thing too another reason also for this behavior is because we must be seen as others as trying everything at our disposal to protect our loved ones.
Another such example I can give is there are people who truly believe and go walk on burning coal believing it will cure their loved ones of some disease or for some other benefit, I do not think anyone in my social circle will be that stupid but most of them will be ok to fast on certain days, go around a structure 108 times or some other silly penance which is convenient to prove to themselves and to others around them that they are serious and committed individuals when it comes to religion and because they did it some benefit will be showered on them by the supreme leader.
This argument of doing silly ceremonial things to show commitment to others is not my own idea, it is proposed by authors of Phantoms in the brain book, in the same book and also by the famous atheist Christopher Hitchens, religion is often compared to North Korean regime and their devotion to their supreme leader.
I do not need to prove to anyone about my commitment and be part of a pack by doing silly ceremonies which are a pure waste of time and energy. If anyone argues that fasting on certain days and walking around a structure 108 times is done for health reasons then I would suggest to check out some of the popular diets, exercise regimens or even yoga which are way more scientific and proven to work much more effectively with a slesser investment of time.
So as long as these are done to the convenience limits how are they harming my son? I want to raise my son as a person who won't do anything without conviction and in order to do that I must first make sure I don't do anything without conviction and for that reason, I will oppose as much as I can whenever silly goat herd conformity ceremonies are performed on or around him.
Parrot repetitions of beautiful poetry:
As a student of DAV (Dayanand Anglo Vedic) school, I was made to recite the Gayatri Mantra and some other mantras every morning for 5 years in addition to the mandatory "All Indians are my brothers and sisters ...." pledge. By the time I came out of schooling, I was fully convinced reciting these mantras does not give any special powers to us that people who do not recite them will lack. But one good thing with the DAV education is that I understood the poetic side of Gayatri Mantra, I used to enjoy the poetic side of it and whenever I encounter any new mantra or ceremony I first go after the meaning of it and try to enjoy the literary value of the composition which usually is many centuries old.
What people do not appreciate as much is Gayatri Mantra is written in Rig Veda which was believed to have been written between 1700 and 1100 BCE, we must appreciate the literary advancement at that time to compose such a complex yet beautiful work of art.
Another popular example that I keep quoting to my mother and anyone who would listen is the Hanuman Chalisa, authored by Tulasi Das in the 16th century is such beautiful poetry that I wish everyone investing the time to read it must try and enjoy it. But no, everyone is happy mugging it up word to word without understanding any of the words and repeating it like parrots do and believing that chanting it 108 times will give strength. I can imagine Tulasi Das' palm hitting his forehead at this stupidity and ignorance.
I would like to take my favorite stanza in Hanuman Chalisa and explain about 3 kinds of people and their interpretations of it.
"......
Yug Saharsa Yojana Par Bhanu
Leelya thahi madhura phal jaanu
........"
Type1: Actual meaning, my interpretation, and enjoyment of it:
Yug means 12000 years as per a measuring system proposed by Aryabhatta, in this context it is being used just as a number by Tulasi Das
Sahasra means 1000
Yojana is a length measurement which is approximated between 4 to 9miles
Assume Yojana is 8 miles, and calculating the distance "Yug Sahasra Yojana", we get 12000x1000x8 = 96 million miles
"Yug Sahasra Yojana Par Bhanu" means: the Sun who is at a distance of 96MM miles
"Leelyo thahi madhura phal jaanu" means: took it thinking it is a tasty fruit
So Tulasi Das here is exaggerating Hanuman's strength and ability to jump by saying he once jumped 96MM miles to the Sun and took it thinking it is a fruit
What is the actual distance of the Sun from earth? 92.96MM miles so, Tulasi Das got the distance to Sun at 95% accuracy in his poem which tells us how much knowledge was available in 16th century India? I am blown away by this
And coming to exaggeration part, it is a very common thing in poetry, it is called hyperbole, consider below William Wordsworth's gem
"
......
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in a never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand I saw at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
...........
"
Is it really possible for anyone to see 10K daffodils dancing like they were all alive? but the imagination of it is what gives the joy to the reader
Now let us consider our people how they interpret Tulasi Das' hyperbole about Hanuman's capabilities
Type2: the dumb believers
Some people truly believe that lord Hanuman truly jumped to the sun and tried to eat it and some other god comes and requests him not to eat the Sun because if he does then the world will become dark so Hanuman says ok and returns back without eating the Sun fruit.
I do not think I have to explain why believing above is dumb, but even if I do, the dumb believers will still believe what they want to.
Type3: I don't want the meaning I will repeat it like a parrot
This type is the true tragedy and I really feel sad that so many educated and otherwise logical and level headed people are lazy like this that they will invest days and even weeks to remember each word in the poem but do not take the time to understand the meaning of any of the words.
Humans are the only species on earth who can read words, imagine a world from the words and derive enjoyment from the experience in the imagination. By not even trying to understand the words the Type3 people, in my opinion, are doing a disservice not only to themselves but also to Tulasi Das who intended people reading his work to understand and enjoy the words. They are downgrading themselves from humans to parrots or cd players which just can repeat without understanding and enjoying the meaning of words.
I obviously want my son to grow up to be Type1 individual, a self thinker rather than herd mentality guy. I want him to truly explore ancient indian literature with a clear mind and enjoy the beauty of it or hate it without any of the stupidity, superstitions, and convenient beliefs.
What I have listed above is just the tip of an iceberg. Before arrival of my son, I used to let go of many things thinking it is not going to change me but it will give some happiness to them so let us go with the flow but now I cannot let go so easily because that flow will have an impact on my child's yet to form values, assumptions, behaviors, and expectations so I have to act and draw some boundaries for me and my wife's sanity and our son's future as our contribution to this world.
Now let us consider our people how they interpret Tulasi Das' hyperbole about Hanuman's capabilities
Type2: the dumb believers
Some people truly believe that lord Hanuman truly jumped to the sun and tried to eat it and some other god comes and requests him not to eat the Sun because if he does then the world will become dark so Hanuman says ok and returns back without eating the Sun fruit.
I do not think I have to explain why believing above is dumb, but even if I do, the dumb believers will still believe what they want to.
Type3: I don't want the meaning I will repeat it like a parrot
This type is the true tragedy and I really feel sad that so many educated and otherwise logical and level headed people are lazy like this that they will invest days and even weeks to remember each word in the poem but do not take the time to understand the meaning of any of the words.
Humans are the only species on earth who can read words, imagine a world from the words and derive enjoyment from the experience in the imagination. By not even trying to understand the words the Type3 people, in my opinion, are doing a disservice not only to themselves but also to Tulasi Das who intended people reading his work to understand and enjoy the words. They are downgrading themselves from humans to parrots or cd players which just can repeat without understanding and enjoying the meaning of words.
I obviously want my son to grow up to be Type1 individual, a self thinker rather than herd mentality guy. I want him to truly explore ancient indian literature with a clear mind and enjoy the beauty of it or hate it without any of the stupidity, superstitions, and convenient beliefs.
What I have listed above is just the tip of an iceberg. Before arrival of my son, I used to let go of many things thinking it is not going to change me but it will give some happiness to them so let us go with the flow but now I cannot let go so easily because that flow will have an impact on my child's yet to form values, assumptions, behaviors, and expectations so I have to act and draw some boundaries for me and my wife's sanity and our son's future as our contribution to this world.
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